i can't afford to spoil my mood. i have things i need to do. i can't afford to have mood swings because of them.

i have to keep my emotions in check. thats all i have to say.
i often wonder if its worth it or not. is it worth all the effort i tried so hard to put in, and not knowing what the end would be.

i know what i want. but this is reality. in reality, its cold and its harsh. you can never really get what you set out to have. and i dont understand why with every word thats coming out. tears form from behind my eyes. but i wont cry. i wont bend and break because of this. but like what he said.
sometimes you never know. your emotions might overflow.
maybe thats what happening now. word vomit. and tears would follow soon after.

Ben, if you're reading this.
i dont know how to go about this. sometimes your responses leave me wondering. and it leaves me doubts. it feels like nothing is for certain. and nothing comes for free. thats what i know. in order to receive i need to give. but how much do i have to give to have what i have been searching for. its not an infatuation. that i know. because if it was, then why does it hurt? then why am i still holding on to a hope that doesnt seem to exist?
so many times. i want to give up. but i cant seem to. even as i set my mind to it. in the end, it defies me. telling me that its not time yet. i dont know what to do anymore.

daddy, are you watching over me? are you there like you told me that you would be? i know you're in heaven. i know you're with varien. and you're with pet. you're with poeple who i've missed so dearly. and now you're along with them.
its true, you never miss the water until the well runs dry.

well, i miss you daddy. i'm sure everyone in heaven is taking good care of you.